14 May 2006


I keep having these minor breakdowns. Ten, fifteen minutes. Great, heaving sobs. Uncontrollable sadness or emptiness or rage. I don't know how to make the words come out. I lay on a bed, or sit with my head against a wall and cry. Because I just don't fucking know what else to do. I can't make words. I can't keep smiling. And I can't keep crying. There's so much that has happened in thirty days.. I just don't know where to start.

So I don't. I don't start, because I probably won't stop. I can't think about my brothers crying. I can't think about my sisters being hurt and sad. I can't think about my Gram. Or my mom. Or her siblings. I can hardly look at my nephews, the pride & joy of my heart and life, without feeling like someday THEY will let me down, or I will let them down, or life will let us all down. I can't look at them for fear of getting lost in thoughts of them living without my hero. And it doesn't matter, not really. They have their own hero.

But the breakdowns. I wonder if they are leading to some huge catastrophe. Or if they're a daily [twice daily?] catharsis. If.. little by little.. I'm letting go of the hurt and sadness. I'm healing myself.

Either way, I think I'm going crazy.


At 16 May, 2006 19:02, Blogger matt said...

Sar, I'll keep you company in the loony bin. Padded walls could be fun.
I know these words more than you might think.


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