04 June 2006

You Know Where To Find Me

My Pa died almost a month ago. 08 May. Today is June 4. Yesterday was June 3, and we had a memorial dinner in honor of him. Almost a month after his passing.

I still choke on the words I need to say about him, about his life and death. About the gaping hole I see in the hearts of every single person I love best in the world. About the gaping hole he left in a family that up until a month ago I'm convinced thought itself invincible. I choke so hard on the words that I pretend they don't exist at all.

Last night my brother [Ryan] and I laid opposite sides of a bed in our grandparents' home, an additional sister and brother sandwiched between us, and we let slip secrets and stories and laughs. Anyone can look at Ryan and see the broken heart. Anyone can look at me and see the broken heart. I look at my little brother and am so fucking proud of him, I almost don't know what to do. I saw our Pa look at him like that.

I hear Ryan talk and am amazed alternately by his intelligence, wit, irony and awareness. I said to him tonight, "I want to write about Pa, but I don't know what to say." He replied, "Write about how he was so great and why. And write about why you're glad you knew him." So I will. I'll work on it.

My Pa taught me to write, after all.

1 Comments:

At 06 June, 2006 16:58, Blogger matt said...

Oh, Sar. I'm so sorry.
I wish I could give you a hug, or do something. I'm sure that whatever words you find will be the right ones, because they're yours.

You're in thoughts and prayers

 

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